Character Assassinations: Are You Falling for Them Too?
Reading up on psychology from that very reliable source, the internet, I came across the phrase “character assassinations” and decided to start overusing it (as I usually do with phrases I like). I asked myself - um, Google, what this?
To help, I found a social spectrum that helped me get a better idea of what exactly an attack on who you are as a person is. It compares polite to aggressive, with teasing falling in the middle. This is where both sides let their guard down a little, while keeping their game up. A conversation like this paints a clear picture for if we want to invest time in that person. It’s a useful gamble. But how do we know when it’s gone too far?
There are always people who take it too far. Change is hard, but so is staying in the norm. This is especially true because no one has all the pieces to make everyone happy. You can’t please everyone. In most cases, any two people, even if they are close, have some opposite beliefs, although they likely won’t voice all of them.
A character assassination is a catch all for anytime someone insults you and implies it to be a flaw in how you make choices. There are different levels of how specific this definition can get, but eh problem isn’t case by case and much as it is unwarranted.For example, if your hair is messy--in our society where your hair represents your care for yourself, and therefore your ability to care for others, help others and fix things that are not black and white--you’ll get assassinated. Or your character will. I try to remember though, that people do not, with some orange hazard sign exceptions, make poor choices with the intention to hurt themselves, or anyone they care about or idolize. That’s stupidity, and while everyone is stupid in some direction, most people consciously try not to be that person.
When someone chooses to do the unlikeable choice for a while, though, and they aren’t shaping up, it should occur to all of us that maybe they have a legitimate excuse, not just ‘I’m lazy and I don’t care’. Perhaps they really can’t comb their hair? Maybe their hair isn’t part of their values. Should they be walking around as an eyesore? No, of course not. If they can’t comb it, there are always alternatives with their own other costs. Try a shorter style, for instance. But the idea is that when you criticize that person, you should be telling them why their choices bother you, and voicing those shorter-haircut alternatives. It may come across as overbearing or over-concerned, but often-times that person may not have even realized their hair was out of whack that day. They certainly will appreciate the incentive if you focus on the plan, not the personality, and you will too if you do it right.
I’m giving this idea a shot. When I see someone getting their character assassinated, I don’t rigorously defend them, ignore it, or contribute; I explain and consider the reasons, to myself or to the speaker depending on how well they listen, and I tell that person in confidence that, from my side, is the truth. They make their own choices. It’s not a perfect strategy, and feelings will get hurt, especially since most people are too busy to care, but it doesn’t cost you much and you may be surprised to see people recognize your stance and defend you too.
Just don’t try to defend yourself and expect to win all. If the assassin is persistent, as most assassins are, you’re fighting a losing battle. I swallow my pride and move on. There are more fun ways to poke, and more fun people to hang with.