Horoscopes
Aries: Avoid wheat products at ALL COSTS (1)
Taurus: Bull man says this is the month for physical fitness
Gemini: FASHION ADVICE: Normal colours like yellow and blue are so drab. Express yourself with new and creative hues like: Spinf, Gerb, Ornge, Tamromureen, and Gray (with an A for that exotic spice)
Cancer: Dreamers can dream…. But in the end its only the dreamers that dreamt….. THINK ABOUT THAT!
Leo: See Aquarius
Virgo: The key to doing well this month is hard work, dedication, and 3 or more liters of soy sauce
Libra: I have no horoscope for you. You’re a great JUDGE of character, so just WEIGH out your options. For example “should I SCALE that mountain?” or “should I MEASURE up to the challenge of deep sea diving?”
Scorpio: Apply torque!
Sagittarius: Isn't it weird that people feel so attached to Pluto? I mean it’s a hunk of rock in space and people are angry about it not being a planet. They feel real genuine emotions for Pluto. They act like its their child, its not! It is no one’s child! It feels nothing. People act weirded out when people marry inanimate objects. There’s no difference here! So go marry that Kuiper belt object, THAT’S RIGHT KUIPER BELT OBJECT, NOT PLANET, you hypocritical planet loving fool.
Capricorn: YOU CAN FINALLY STOP TALKING ABOUT GAME OF THONES, JERRY
Aquarius: Why is that Leo staring at you?
Pisces: If you’re worried about transforming into a fish this is NOT your month.
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(1) Only applicable to gluten intolerant Aries